Guest Post ~ Note to Self ~ by Amelia Frinier

At a 50th birthday gathering where there were a blend of ladies and gents, I was in a casual conversation over the beverages table, replying to a typical question asked, “How is 50 so far?” 

I had jovially said to the asker, “So far, so good, only a couple extra wrinkles at this point.” When one of the husbands nearby piped in, “They have injections for that.” 

I felt immediately defensive but quickly responded pointing to my eyes developing crow’s feet and mouth developing laugh lines, “Nah, I won’t do that, since most of these are joyful memories.” 

And while animating these expressions and pointing to my forehead I said, “These however, are shock lines (eyes open to the whites), concentration lines (furrowed brow, crinkled nose and sideways lips) and consternation lines (squinty eye and opposite raised brow) from being both a mother and a teacher, which I wouldn’t change either, since they are also mostly good memories.”

The conversation bent with ease to other topics, as they do in a friendly party setting, but the interchange remained, percolating. 

At home later in front of the mirror, I looked at the vertical crease forming by my right brow just above my nose - just like my mom’s, maybe I can love it because it reminds me of her...

And the little red freckle mole like things on my skin here and there. Now, those are from my dad. It’s good to have something of him visibly carried on me… 

I rub my stubbly chin (both him and her, too). I bet I could grow a teenagerly-type goatee if I wanted, and that might be funny one day, but I’m not ready to be so bold. Instead, I shave almost daily with grandma in my head piping up to say, “Don’t shave! Pluck!” Or, I hear my friend’s voice on loop offering the name of her amazing beautician who does electrolysis. Never mind that there is laser hair removal now. You know, masking was a blessing in the chin hair department, I think.

Masks also drew the eye away from the developing neck folds. Note to self, stay hydrated. 

And speaking of folds, this extra elbow skin that puckers now… Hey, it’s kind of soothing to pinch it, the way I used to rub the satin on my blanket as a kid….

Like you, I ponder the duality of dislike and justification and I dialogue internally about it, or externally in the case of the party, to convince myself to love and accept the skin I’m in, the weight I’m at and the chapter of me that is now. 

Change is a fact. It’d be nice to just be. Why should there have to be a monologue or dialogue at all?

BIO: Amelia Frinier is a multi-media artist and elementary school Visual Arts Teacher in Glendale, CA. She enjoys creative endeavors of all kinds, but takes particular joy in working collaboratively with others. Amelia is a nature lover, spending free time partaking in mountain sports with her family, gardening, and walking with friends. In quieter moments, she can be found tending her flock of hens.